Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
Truly okay with the way things are right now in the moment,
And again in the next and the next and the next…
-The Dance, Oriah Mountain Dreamer
So, we made the big move...Los Angeles, California, and are excited as ever. Weather is just beautiful….every-single-day! :) Not long after our first week though, homesickness started to kick in and I realized we were no longer on a vacation here. This is for real and we are here to stay.
I felt off. My husband’s first day at work and I had nowhere to go. Instead of jumping for joy in bed, I did the opposite and did nothing. I was lost... not working, no reason to get up early in the morning and join the hustle and bustle of rush hour. I wasn’t particularly excited, although many people might have thought I had every reason to. We are in Los Angeles after all, what is there not to be excited about?!
Yet, there I was, lost as ever. I didn’t have work. I didn’t know anyone. All of a sudden, the sense of adventure I visualized into moving here was gone. I was missing my family, my friends and my old activities and routine. I had nothing to do and I lost my interest in doing things. I hated the feeling and it brought me back to a time when I was so ill and suffering from depression, I couldn’t go to work. I had to remind myself constantly that I was not getting “sick” again. I made sure I was always conscious of the fact that I made a choice to move here with my husband and give up my job and everything else I had built for myself.
The last 8 years of rebuilding my life, I realized I used my “work/job” as my framework. I used it as a personal structure and shaped my sense of being, my purpose, my goals and my dreams around it. It was the only way I knew how, having had the history I’ve had. My overall goal was to make sure I loved and enjoyed my work in all those years. I did, and that gave me a sense of purpose and had taken back my independence, my focus and my drive. Obviously, when I decided to give up my job, I didn’t realize then that my job was the “framework” I used in my life. I had concerns about moving, but like all things, you don’t really know what is going to be like until you are in that situation.
So, that happened. For the first couple of months, I struggled. I think it’s normal for most people to adjust and be homesick after a big move; only mine is in a different level. My history of depression brought me some memories I’d rather not rekindle with. I was open to my husband and shared every waking thought and emotion. Though he tried to be supportive and understand, I knew he was struggling to fathom what I was going through. He never saw me when I was ill. He never knew how it was really like. All he heard were stories that I openly shared right from the beginning of our relationship until then, when he was seeing me for the first time, feeling lost, unhappy and so not my old self.
I felt bad. I didn’t want to worry him. I knew I was getting depressed, but only if I could differentiate that I’m getting depressed now for temporary and legitimate reasons, not like in the past. I tried to explain it to him and shared as much as I could. Luckily, he remained strong and positive for both of us and took in as much as he could. For that, I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
A couple of months later, I started to feel better day-by-day. I came to terms and made peace with my decision to start all over again. I committed to focus on feeling grateful to all our blessings and start our new life together, this new journey of ours. I chose to focus on my health… body, mind and spirit, by reading books after books on nutrition, spiritual and any self-help books I could get my hands on.
Our California adventure began. We embarked on a healthier and more active lifestyle. We started to experience Los Angeles, exploring different neighborhoods, beaches, state parks, restaurants, food trucks, farmers markets, hiking trails, and so much more.
We are finally settled and I am doing well. Today, I continue the pursuit of finding my real purpose by being persistent in my spiritual journey. I tried meditating again, and learned tapping meditation. I remain inspired by positive quotes, affirmations, and book excerpts; and I am constantly reminded by how powerful words can be. Life is good… and I am grateful every day.
I have sent you my invitation,
The note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don’t jump up and shout, “Yes, this is what I want! Let’s do it!”
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.
-The Dance, Oriah Mountain Dreamer